The Beauty of Change & Imperfection

Oh fall. A season where we are reminded of the reality of change in our lives. Change is hard. But it is also beautiful, just as this oak tree in my front yard. 

A couple of years ago I was given a dress from a friend.  Back then it slid right off of me, but I put it in my closet to wear in a future time when I was "pregnant and bigger." As a military wife, I have opportunities to dress up for various balls, so it's always nice to have something in the closet. Last semester I was told that there would be an ROTC ball this fall, so when I tried on the said dress in May, it fit perfectly. I was so happy that I had something already to wear for next week's ball. Last night I tried on the dress, one week before the event. It was a good 2 inches too small! I couldn't believe it. I finally thought my weight had stabilized, but I continue to increase, especially over this past month.

I don't know why. 

I suppose that 8 years of restricting calories and excessive exercise isn't going to be fixed in one year. Yes, my cycle returned and I was able to get pregnant, but my body obviously isn't healed completely and I am still battling cycle regularity and confidence in a new size and shape. 

As the tears fall and I try to understand why I feel like I am "giving up my body" for an unknown, I try to realize my real purpose.  It is our goals in life that give us purpose to go through things that we frankly, don't want to do. What is the purpose of challenges? Why must we change and have to go through pain to achieve our dreams? Just as the green summer tree goes through the inevitable change to beautiful fall colors and then bare in winter, so must I change if I want to see the promised blossoms of spring.

I've been listening to an amazing book during my commute to the rink and studio this past week titled Manuscripts from Accra by Paulo Coelho, and it is jam-packed with deep insights about change. It's quite fitting for what I am going through right now. 

When the fighter is in the ring, may her spirit be filled with joy with the prospect of the fight ahead. If she holds onto her dignity and her honor, then even if she loses the fight, she will never be defeated because her soul will remain intact and she will blame no one with what has happened to her. Losing a battle or losing everything we thought we possessed will bring us moments of sadness, but when those moments pass, we will discover the inner strength that exists in each of us, a strength that will surprise us and increase our self respect. 

The important thing is to get back on your feet. Only she who gives up is defeated.  And the day will come that those difficult moments are merely stories to be told proudly to those who will listen. >>This made me laugh because it's so true! How often do we laugh about mistakes are hard times years later, only to cry in the moment?  

This is probably my favorite out of all of these as I learn to love my new body:

It is imperfect[ion] that astonishes and attracts us. A sunset is always more beautiful when it is covered with irregularly shaped clouds, because only then can it reflect the many colours out of which dreams and poetry are made.  

Instead of accepting ourselves as we are, we try to imitate what we see around us.  We try to be what other people think of as ‘pretty’ and, little by little, our soul fades, our will weakens, and all the potential we had to make the world a more beautiful place withers away.  >>I've got to stay true to who I am and not try to be anyone else, not even my past self. 

And always remember:

They were trying to reflect what came from outside, forgetting that the brightest light comes from within.

Change is hard. But it is necessary. Everything in nature changes seasonally, and so must I if I want to become stronger and more like the woman God created me to be. The magnificent mountains are not rigid. Each year they move and grow. Trees shoot forth roots to spread their beauty out beyond themselves.

It is only when I put myself in that vulnerable spot to change that I will be able to realize my full potential. Whatever that may be. But in the meantime, I'm going to go shop for a new dress.