A Letter to my Sisters and Future Daughters

Dearest sisters and future daughters of mine,

           You have been on my mind a lot lately. What I am about to tell you may feel like a lot to take in at once or it may seem silly. However you feel is okay, but please know that I am speaking from my heart.

My current body. 

           There was a period in my life where I wore a size 0, could run 8 miles on command, and complete 1000 weighted squats within an hour's workout at the gym.  My naturally type-A personality drove me to this idealist form of perfection. I was constantly moving and believed that if I didn't work out for at least 1-2 hours a day, I would get fat and lazy. There were some seasons where I convinced myself that a 30 minute workout would suffice, as long as it was a HARD exercise session.  But on those days I would eat less. I was always tired, always hungry, and most of the time easily annoyed or cranky around those I loved the most.  Though I didn't believe it at the time, I was most always the smallest girl in the group, at least for my age. But it was never good enough. I felt like I could always be fitter, faster, or more toned.  But was this really worth it? Was this worth my happiness?  Was it worth getting osteoporosis at age 30? Most of all, was sacrificing my fertility for the never-ending search of "perfection," (whatever that meant), worth it? 

No. But for 8 years, I ignored these consequences. I loved being small. I loved being able to go out and run fast. This started to become my identity and I didn't want to let it go. 

I didn't always struggle with my weight and body image. In my 11 year-old journal I wrote that I would not change anything about myself. Talk about the confidence of a child! I always ate what I wanted, loved delicious food, and was confident in my own skin. 

What was the trigger that turned this vicious cycle on around age 17? I don't think I will ever truly know, and that doesn't matter, though I do think it has some genetic predisposition. The first sign began when I was a junior in high school. I signed up to take two independent study classes for PE credits. I was a competitive figure skater as well, so 2-3 hours of skating 5-6 days a week was the norm. As part of these courses I was asked to make a fitness and nutrition goal to focus on for the duration of the semester. At the time I was eating according to my appetite and was always very full after dinner (mom made delicious dinners and I was a varsity cross country runner, swimmer, and skater, so naturally, I ate enough to refuel my body).  I made it a goal to not eat so much that I would be "stuffed" after dinner. I began weight training sessions at the gym a couple of times a week after my skating sessions, and as I consciously focused on what I was and wasn't eating, I noticed that my weight began to drop. It wasn't a big deal at first and it excited me. Wasn't it a "good" thing for people to lose weight? That was what I kept hearing from the media and I started to believe it. I started to become addicted to losing weight. IT FELT SO GOOD TO BE IN CONTROL. 

By the time I graduated high school and was getting ready to move to college, I had lost 20 pounds. My monthly cycle stopped.  I started to get attention for how small I was and I loved it. I never felt so in control in my entire life.  But mom and dad were worried. I felt alone. I didn't know I had an eating disorder at the time because the only eating disorders I knew about were anorexia and bulemia, and I never skipped meals or forced myself to throw up food after eating it. I never binged or purged. So I was okay, wasn't I? It wasn't until December 2014 that I realized I had suffered from a restrictive eating disorder.  Throughout the eight years from age 17 to 24 1/2 years old, I constantly thought about food, the preparation of it, when and what I would eat, whether or not I was exercising enough to burn the excess off, and if I was being "good" enough. Later I realized that I was suffering from orthorexia, which is when one pursues healthy eating beyond what is normal. If I ate too much "bad" food, I would run more the next day. I was always worried about the macronutrient content of what I was eating and if I was eating enough vegetables etc. This is crazy. No one should have to live like this. FOOD SHOULD BE ENJOYED! Isn't it the French who serve 7 courses and eat together as a group? Shouldn't mealtime be a time of friendship and joy and gratitude? Absolutely. 

I went to see a handful of doctors over the course of a few years in college because I was worried about the absence of my monthly cycle. Each one told me I was healthy (which wasn't true) and all I needed to do was gain a few pounds and take an Oral Contraceptive to normalize my cycle. What a lie that was! Luckily I only took OC for a couple of months because I felt so crummy while on them and I didn't have a good feeling about it. (Please do not ever take OC. They wreck havoc on your hormones and it can take years to re-balance the delicate symphony of a woman's body).  There were two separate occasions, a few years apart, when my focus was to gain 10 pounds, per doctor's orders. I was able to do this, but actually seeing my body gain those 10 pounds FREAKED ME OUT. I felt like I was not in control anymore. I was afraid of being fat.  So I stopped my efforts and went back to what I liked doing best: eating just enough and being "small." I convinced myself that gaining weight wasn't going to fix my problem. 

When I got married in November 2011 and my husband and I talked about starting a family, the truth about the absence of my cycle slowly seeped out over time. Luckily Marshall was INCREDIBLY understanding and never told me it was my fault or made me feel worthless. After marriage, my weight stabilized at about 10 pounds higher than my lowest weight and I wasn't the "scary skinny" lady I was in college or high school. But I was still infertile. This was ALWAYS at the back of my mind. It drove me crazy. Why couldn't I get pregnant like all of my other married friends who were as "small" as me?

Finally, after two years of marriage, I did some research about regaining fertility naturally. I started to eat a more fertility friendly diet, including lots of good fats, properly prepared grains/nuts/legumes, and grass fed/pastured meats and dairy products. I was hoping this would be the key. But I lost a few pounds after switching over to this lifestyle, due to the cut back on sugar and refined carbohydrates and the inclusion of healthy fats.  I didn't really think much of this because wasn't I doing the right thing? This was the orthorexic and restrictive eating disorder sneaking in again. 

Summer 2014
at my lowest weight

After 8 months of eating this way with no results, I contacted a certified nutritional coach to help me out. Surprisingly, she didn't tell me to gain weight either, but that a strict supplementation protocol and liver cleanse would help my system sort out my hormones. I was so excited to finally see results. But I didn't gain results. I lost more weight and my energy dropped. My hair started to fall out clumps at a time. I was always cold. All of this strict focus on what I was and wasn't eating only fueled my restrictive eating disorder and stressed out my thyroid and adrenals.  My nutritionist kept telling me that it would just take some time for my body to get used to processing the good fats and the transition to a low-carb diet. I convinced myself that what I was doing was good because I cut down on my exercise and didn't eat any sugar.

But my spirit was down-trodden. When I would do a yoga flow and rise from a forward fold to mountain pose, I would get dizzy and nearly black out. After 12 weeks of working with my nutritionist, I went to the lab and had more blood work done to see the progress I had made. Instead of the good news I was looking forward to, I found out that my cholesterol had skyrocketed to a total of 764 (the American Heart Association would have put me on statins immediately). In hindsight, I am sure this was because I wasn't feeding my body enough calories. I wasn't eating enough carbohydrates so my thyroid became sluggish and the thyroid hormone is necessary to synthesize cholesterol properly. I was scared to death.  In following the suggestion of  my nutritionist, I began a very aggressive 45 day supplementation protocol to support my liver and gallbladder. During this time I focused on relaxation and did not exercise very hard at all. After the 45 days, I retested and my numbers dropped by 300 points! I was so excited. While the supplementation probably played a role in the drop, I believe the drop was mainly due to the increased inclusion of legumes and fruits and a more relaxed attitude I was taking on life. 

Around the same time as the good results of my lowered cholesterol came about, I went to the Army Wellness Center and had my body fat and resting metabolism tested. I was curious to see how I was doing.  Part of me was proud of the low weight and extremely low body fat %, but I was embarrassed about my dismal metabolism. People automatically think that skinny people have fast metabolisms, but this is just not true. You see, I was not eating enough. My body was in starvation mode and had slowed down my metabolism in order to protect itself. While I was not one to count calories, I did for three days just to see where I was. I was consistently logging 1400-1500 calories per day, yet I was exercising daily and on the ice coaching 1-4 hours a day. This calorie intake was NOT sufficient for proper hormone function.  I think it was divine intervention that I went in and had my tests done when I did, for if it weren't for the low results, I don't know how long it would have taken for me to make a change for good. 

After doing some research, I self-diagnosed myself with hypothalamic amenorrhea (HA). HA is basically where the brain is not able to give the signal to the ovaries to have a monthly cycle.  It is normally due to over exercise, undereating, and low body fat, all of which I had. If the body doesn't feel safe, it will put all of its energy into keeping me alive and forget the other functions such as reproduction and mood management.

In October 2014, the same month as my test results, I decided to gain weight, for real this time.  I was going to gain until my cycle returned. I gained about 8 pounds over the next two months by the time Marshall and I moved away from Alaska. I did this by eating a snack in between meals and eating when I was hungry, instead of waiting 5 hours between feedings (which was what I was doing when I was at my lowest body fat and weight). My cholesterol dropped another 100 points after gaining weight (because I was feeding my hormones!). But 8 pounds was still not enough. 

Over Christmas break we spent two weeks at mom and dad's home. Divine intervention again, for I was at their home where there was ample delicious (and free) food for me to eat. Here I gained more weight, but I was hungry all the time it seemed. Now I know that this was just my body's way of trying to re-feed my hormones and organs. After more research, I learned that people who were recovering from a restrictive eating disorder needed to feed their body 2500-3000 calories per day and not exercise. I had officially given up on exercising at the gym on 24 November 2014, but was still walking and doing yoga in order to stay sane. In order for me to eat 2500 calories, I literally had to eat every hour. It was insane. I was so scared as I gained weight because it was so rapid. However, the real healing began when Marshall and I finally arrived in Kansas.

The Lord really knew what he was doing with our move away from Alaska. The timing was just perfect because he knew I needed a complete change of scenery and lifestyle in order to make such a huge change. When we arrived in Lawrence, we were immediately welcomed by people from our church, and were invited into homes for meals and celebrations. Before this move, eating at other people's homes was hard. My orthorexic tendencies always took over the joy that eating was supposed to bring. But when I moved to Kansas, I made a deliberate effort to enjoy everything that was given to me with gratitude. I ate bread, pasta, Dairy Queen ice cream cake, boxed brownies, tortillas, and non-grass fed beef. And I was still okay. In fact, I felt great. My mood lifted, my metabolism increased, I was sleeping better, and my hair stopped falling out in clumps. 

           

Just 47 days after arriving in Lawrence, my cycle returned. My heart cried with joy as I witnessed the miracle of the human body. Heavenly Father created such miraculous bodies for us; even man can't comprehend all of its intricacies.

Taken the day before my cycle returned after 8 years of hibernation.
I was celebrating the fact that I actually had hips again. 

I weighed myself the day my cycle returned because I wanted to see what weight I needed to stay above. 20 pounds gained. I am still getting used to my body. I have cellulite now, no thigh gap, and no longer have a six pack. While I am still a small girl, I have a nice layer of fat around my body and actually have a chest now.  Estrogen has once again returned, and for that I am grateful.

I am able to enjoy church functions and meals again without fear of "not being perfect."
I am still learning to love my new round face. 

The reason I have gone into such detail is so that if you ever feel like you can relate to anything I have written, you will know where to turn to for help. This is not something I could have done alone. It was NOT an easy journey and is not over. There have been countless nights of tears, frustrations, and overwhelming fears of becoming fat. I have had such incredible support from you, mom, dad, Marshall, the Lord, and friends. I could not have done it without them.

Gaining weight has helped me be happier and sillier. Life is so much more fun now!

In summary, please remember the following:

1. Avoid restricting any food group or food. I avoided gluten for nearly a year because I had read in various places that gluten harmed fertility. Maybe it does for some people, but for me, it wasn't until I added my amazing sourdough crusty bread back into my diet that I was able to gain the final pounds. Oh how I missed that bread. Each time I spread butter on a slice of my bread, my heart smiles. 
2. Exercise only if you are truly excited about doing it. The media teaches you to exercise 5 days a week for 30 minutes each day. But as contrary as it is to the degree I got in college, I do not feel like this is healthy all the time. Yes, I feel like we should be active and not couch potatoes, but we must remember to allow the body to rest when it needs/wants to. I don't know if I will ever exercise religiously again. I have found joy in riding my bike, taking walks, going on hikes, and doing yoga. Exercise needs to be fun. Think of how a dog exercises. He does it for fun! Does a dog go out and play catch when he is sick? No. But when he does go out to play, boy does he have a blast! This is how we should do it too. 
3. Nourish Your Body Constantly and Enjoy all Foods. You must nourish your body with nutrient dense foods whenever you feel like eating. Especially during your teen and child-bearing years. Please do not give your body a reason to think it is in danger or starving. Do not listen to the media. Eat foods that are in the closest form that nature intended as possible. However, if you do decide to eat a Twix bar or other treat, then by all means please enjoy every last bite and do not feel guilty about it!
4. Follow Your Instincts and Remember the Word of Wisdom: During the various stages of my journey, there were times I did not eat wheat or even grains for a while. It always bothered me how contrary it was to the Word of Wisdom commandment in the 89th section of the Doctrine and Covenants where it says "All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life..." It wasn't until I completely added these back into my diet that I saw the result I needed.  Remember the promise the Lord gives: "And all saints who remember to do and keep these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health to their naval and marrow to their bones...and shall run and not be weary and shall walk and not faint" (vs. 18, 20). 
5. You Are Beautiful.  When my restrictive eating disorder was active, I believed that I needed to be thin to be my most beautiful. It didn't matter how often Marshall told me I was beautiful, I was still wanting something more. Well, I have come to realize again that I am now who I was meant to be. I wasn't born to be a size 0 and have a 25 inch waist. I am a Whipple and Whipples have thighs. I have a wide rib cage area and a larger rear end and short legs. But you know what? Who cares. I am more beautiful now than I was when I was 20 pounds lighter. My spirit is less restricted and I am happier. When I am happier, my spirit is able to shine through my eyes at a greater level. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BY BEING WHO YOU WERE MEANT TO BE. Do not try and change who you were meant to be. No one can take your place. Let your light shine!
6. Seek Strength from others when You Can't do it Alone. One of the blessings from this trial is that I have a greater understanding of Jesus Christ's Atonement. I really couldn't recover from my disorder without fully submitting to Him. Without Him I am nothing. It is because he suffered and died for me that I am able to make it through the tough times. I've also received countless Priesthood Blessings which gave me strength when I needed it most. My dear friends have listened to me through my tears and struggles and have responded with encouraging words and hugs. Friends were given to us to support us. Never underestimate the power of friends. 

I hope this (long) letter has touched you in some way. I love you. I am sorry if I have hurt you in the past with my struggles. It feels good to be on the healing path. Thank you for standing next to me through the darkest days and sleepless nights. I am who I am today because of you. Remember your Divine potential and always, always keep a prayer in your heart. You truly are a Daughter of a King.

Love forever and always,

Jenessa