Tender Mercies

Swimming Babes-2006 " What do I do when I get pregnant again?"   I asked. My sweet cousin was on the other end of the phone call when I sought out her wisdom and support.  3 years younger than me, she is in her 3rd pregnancy and ready to deliver her first baby in less than 2 months. She was the first person I wanted to talk to when I miscarried the first time, just 2 months after her ectopic pregnancy back in the spring of 2015. For some reason, I just had this connection to her, like maybe because she was born in the same generation as me and going through similar circumstances, that she would understand. Now, 13 months after my first miscarriage, I find myself going through mental exercises every day to prepare myself to trust my body for my 4th and hopefully successful pregnancy; part of that exercise today was to call my cousin up and have a nice chat about our lives and try to get some insights. We were both strong-headed children growing up--often getting ups...

This past Thursday, my heart was ripped out for the second time in 6 months . I felt betrayed. Alone. Emotionally drained. Afraid for "next time."  I felt like a failure, incapable of doing what my body was made to do. But then, after all of these emotions gushed out of me, I felt a peace sweep over me, unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was as if I knew  everything would be okay for me in the long run. Not like that is the answer I wanted in the heat of the moment, but it was still a comforting feeling that I wished I could bottle up for when my emotions went awry again.  I found out I was pregnant on October 26th. I knew I was pregnant even before I got two pink lines, so was elated when I finally got the positive result. I didn't tell any of my family, just two of my best friends. It was going to be my parents' Christmas present because I was going to be around 13 weeks by then, perfect timing.  The day after my positive test, I went in and g...

Oh fall. A season where we are reminded of the reality of change in our lives. Change is hard. But it is also beautiful, just as this oak tree in my front yard.  A couple of years ago I was given a dress from a friend.  Back then it slid right off of me, but I put it in my closet to wear in a future time when I was "pregnant and bigger." As a military wife, I have opportunities to dress up for various balls, so it's always nice to have something in the closet. Last semester I was told that there would be an ROTC ball this fall, so when I tried on the said dress in May, it fit perfectly. I was so happy that I had something already to wear for next week's ball. Last night I tried on the dress, one week before the event. It was a good 2 inches too small! I couldn't believe it. I finally thought my weight had stabilized, but I continue to increase, especially over this past month. I don't know why.  I suppose that 8 years of restricting calories a...

Last week was the happiest week of my life. As I looked down at the two solid pink lines on the test, my whole being filled with relief and joy. My dream had come true. I was finally going to be a mom! Everything seemed to have fallen in place for us. We excitedly told our parents and siblings and I told a few close friends, but it nearly killed me to not tell everyone. I'm not one for secrets.  It was an exciting week as we dreamed about our future family and researched various doctors, midwives, doulas, and birthing centers. I was feeling great. No nausea, just a little bit more tired than normal. Although I was only 6 weeks along, I already had a connection to the embryo inside of me.  It was only a week later that I started to spot and had a little bit of cramping. I hoped it was just a silly pregnancy scare, so I went to bed early hoping to sleep it off. But my heart was heavy and I think I already knew. I awoke at 11 PM in severe pain that came in waves, allow...

It has been a long journey these past two years. Throughout the experiences of many doctor visits, lab tests, ultrasounds, and a surgical procedure, I have been very grateful for health insurance. I cannot complain about being in the Army and the ability to just go to the hospital and get lab work done without paying anything for it. But there came a point when we exhausted our resources here in Fairbanks, and had to chose between putting our family on hold or paying out-of-pocket to see a fertility specialist in town (there is no Army fertility specialist in Alaska).  At first, my Army gynecologist said I would be able to get the initial consultation with the specialist paid for by our health coverage. But after the referral was denied, she said that because fertility is an elective procedure, nothing would be covered.  This is why we have savings, no? After a few weeks of praying and thinking about it with Marshall, we decided it was time to go forward and make t...