Trying to See Past the Now

This past Thursday, my heart was ripped out for the second time in 6 months. I felt betrayed. Alone. Emotionally drained. Afraid for "next time."  I felt like a failure, incapable of doing what my body was made to do.

But then, after all of these emotions gushed out of me, I felt a peace sweep over me, unlike anything I had ever felt before. It was as if I knew everything would be okay for me in the long run. Not like that is the answer I wanted in the heat of the moment, but it was still a comforting feeling that I wished I could bottle up for when my emotions went awry again. 

I found out I was pregnant on October 26th. I knew I was pregnant even before I got two pink lines, so was elated when I finally got the positive result. I didn't tell any of my family, just two of my best friends. It was going to be my parents' Christmas present because I was going to be around 13 weeks by then, perfect timing. 

The day after my positive test, I went in and got my hormone levels checked and my progesterone was high and HCG levels were increasing appropriately. I felt confident in that. I also felt confident that this time was going to work because I was feeling nauseous  nearly every day, which was not the case during my 1st pregnancy when I had nearly no pregnancy symptoms. 

When I went to my first sonogram appointment, they saw the gestational sac and yolk sac and what looked like a fetal pole, but no heartbeat. My midwife and the technician both reassured me that I probably just estimated the wrong date and that I was most likely still too early to see the heartbeat. I didn't feel so confident in their words, but I tried to trust them. I thought I was 7 weeks 2 days, but I measured 6 weeks, which I could might have well been. It truly is hard to say, because I started to bleed on November 19th, before my 10 day follow up appointment. I was around 7 or 8 weeks, a bit further along than my last pregnancy.

As I look back over the experience, I realize there was nothing I could have done differently. I had rested when I was tired (which was like all the time), I modified my yoga poses to ease my body, and I ate well. And even after all I could do, sometimes hard things just happen.  

There are women who get married young and have babies right away. There are women who are single mothers, somehow juggling work and mothering and still staying alive. There are women who marry and have children and then go back to work, a task that is more difficult than it sounds.There are other women who pursue successful careers, others who travel the world. There are women who long to be mothers but have to go through years of fertility treatments, those sometimes working and sometimes not. There are women who regain their fertility back after years of its absence, only to struggle to carry a baby to term. There are millions of types of women out there (I know I didn't mention even a small percentage of them, please forgive me), and I applaud each and every one because they each make a big difference in the world. Every woman has a divine role to fulfill in her lifetime, and no one but herself and her divine connection can tell her how to do it. 

This is what I am working on myself. I've always wanted to be a mother. It has never been so close or within my grasp as during 2015. While I know there are many women who suffer way more miscarriages than two and others who have stillborn babies, my lot has been incredibly hard for me. This has been my challenge this year, and it has been really hard. And that's not to say I'm not going to have any more in my future, though I really hope I don't. I'm hoping that with the added tool of yoga, I don't fall into the depression of this past summer. I seem to be bouncing back quicker than I did in May, of which I am grateful. 

I really like the quote below, because it reminds me that hard times are not always bad in the long run. This hard experience is teaching me to have more compassion to those who have it worse than me, and it's also preparing me to be a more compassionate mother in the future. 

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion with polish you for your everlasting benefit."- Richard G. Scott.

The future is bright, and I know that eventually, I'll have the chance to hold my own child in my arms. But until that time, I'll enjoy not having to baby-proof my house and being able to go on spur-of-the-moment outings with my husband without having to bring kids along or find a babysitter. :)