Dear Adelai |4 Months| : Course Corrections Beat Perfection

Dear Adelai,

Your 4th month has been the most difficult month for me as a new mom. It was as though the honeymoon stage of having a small little newborn, where meals were brought over from welcoming friends and the social acceptance of mommy naps, was over.  I was exhausted. The accumulation of three months jam-packed with round-the-clock nursing sessions, wiping up spit up, doing yet another load of laundry, and trying to figure out how to balance motherhood with my own autonomy was taking its toll. When you were first born, I took advantage of your naps and aimed for 2 naps a day myself. But this past month those naps slowly stopped becoming a priority because I felt like I "needed" to get things done while you slept. You were "supposed" to be sleeping through the night by 3 months, or so the baby sleep "experts" claimed, as long as I was being efficient with our sleep routine. Consistency, they said, was key. So I tried to be consistent.  But you weren't consistent. You still woke up at least once a night, and halfway through the month you reverted back to your 2 to 3-times-a-night plea for some milk and often decided that 4:30 AM was wake-up time for the day. Was it the dreaded 4 month sleep regression that came a little early? Maybe. 

The first half of our days together were usually pretty good. You are a happy baby in the morning, and tend to take nice morning nap. But the evenings were difficult. I was worn out from caring for you all day long and you seemed to be worn out from the day as well. There was always a battle inside of my head about when to put you to sleep for the night. We tried everything from 7 PM to 9:30 PM. Put you to bed early and it was a gamble whether or not you'd go down easily. Put you to bed later and I didn't get any quiet, baby-free time to spend with myself or with your Dad. The long summer evenings didn't help either. Staying consistent with your bed time wasn't working. One evening I called my mom in tears. Why wouldn't my baby go down at the same time each night? Was I failing my daughter? 

No.
I wasn't raising a robot. 

You were still so young. You were growing so very fast, and will continue to do so for the first year. You had grown up so much between 3 and 4 months, from rolling over, playing with toys, putting everything in your mouth, to giggling and babbling with your new voice. Your personality was emerging and with that, so were your demands. And because I wasn't making naps a priority for myself anymore, I was beyond exhausted. I would fluctuate between highs and lows; complete happiness and utter frustration and tears. Did I have postpartum anxiety/depression? Could it be? Wasn't that supposed to manifest itself during the first 6 weeks after birth? I was so happy during the first 6 weeks, but now, I found myself struggling badly. 

So I turned to my resources. I called my mom every day. She suggested I supplement with extra vitamins to support my thyroid. I also added back in my 1-2 naps a day and made sure I had scheduled time with my girlfriends everyday. Talking with my girlfriends helped me realize that I was not alone in my experiences raising an infant. It is amazing what happens when you open up and share with others. Now that I have started to care for myself again with more sleep and friend time, I am happier and feel as though I am myself again.

In a book that I listened to during this past month, I found two quotes that have become my motto: "Course corrections beat perfection," and "Don't let perfection be the enemy of good." For a majority of these past few weeks, especially during the darkest moments, I struggled with perfectionism. I felt that if I was perfect in following all the guidelines for new moms, I would be considered successful, and if I didn't, then I would be making up for it for the rest of your life. But that's not true at all. I am allowed to make course corrections along the way. One afternoon this past month you were being especially fussy, and I had tried everything. Finally, I put you in the stroller and we went outside. After we made it down the stairs and out to the sidewalk, I bent down to give you a smile but you were already asleep! You stayed asleep for 3 more hours and woke up at 9 PM. Instead of being upset that you slept all evening and would be up all night, we broke the "rules" and you joined us for movie night and went to bed with us a couple of hours later. It was a very enjoyable evening.

Course corrections beat perfection. If you are growing and developing, shouldn't I be allowed to grow and develop as a mother as well? I think so.

There are so many amazing things that have occurred this past month. It hasn't been perfect, but it has been good. Oh so good. You are an incredible human being. I cannot allow the pursuit of perfection rob me the joys of the good and imperfect experiences of mortality. 

Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for your love and giggles. 

Happy 4 months, baby girl. 

Love, 

Mom