I love you Mom

We don't always get the answer we want to a prayer we so desperately give. 

But we always get the answer we needed in that moment...

As an 18 year old teenager I wasn't the easiest to get along with, at least not with my parents. I attribute most of this to my naturally type-A personality exacerbated by my over-training at the ice rink and not eating enough. Ya, not eating enough and being tired physically is a sure way to mess up the emotional stability of any teenager, let alone any human being. 

Over the course of 4 years living away at college and then 3 years up in Alaska with my husband, there really wasn't a time that I could (or took the time to) mend my relationship with my mom. For some reason I just needed to be independent and strong and do things my way, not allowing for proper communication with my mom over the short holidays when we were together for a brief moment. I didn't realize there was anything between us; I felt like we had a perfectly normal mother-daughter relationship, especially given the vast distance where we lived from each other.  But then I recently  realized these past few months, that I hadn't really really talked with her. Sure, I told her how things were going, but we hadn't had a heart to heart in SO long. Like I don't remember how long it had been. 

Last week, on April 1, 2016, I called her at one of the lowest points of my life. I had just found out that my 3rd pregnancy wasn't viable and would inevitably be ending, bringing my hopes of motherhood crashing down (at least for that moment). All I wanted to do was go to Arizona where my parents lived. I wanted to run away from my problems and sadness. I didn't care about anything in Lawrence, except for my husband. I knew I couldn't just give up hope and leave, for I had responsibilities here.* So she offered to come to me. At first, I didn't know if that would be a good idea, but before I had time to process those thoughts, I said "that would be amazing if you could." 

She was on the next flight to Kansas, arriving at my home just 8 hours after the initial conversation.

My mom came with hugs and squeezes, smiles and loves. It was a moment where she was serving me, not me making her have a comfortable vacation and relaxed house guest. 

For three days she cooked for me, washed my dishes, sat with me on the couch and listened to all my concerns, worries, and hopes and dreams. She played with my hair and rubbed my back and caressed my face. My mom let me sleep when I needed the rest, and went on relaxed walks with me to my friends' homes when I had the energy to socialize.  

Mom cooking and serving me while I rested on the couch,
waiting for the miscarriage pains to subside. 

The most important part of this entire weekend was that I was real. She was real.  Of course I was an emotional roller-coaster due to the all the hormones and grief, and it felt so good to be able to cry about anything and anytime and not feel like I had to justify or explain myself. She just got it. And it wasn't just me either. She was able to talk to me about experiences in her life that were dear to her heart. It was like two best friends coming together after a long period apart. It felt so good. So real. 

When I drove her to the airport 3 days later, my heart felt healed. I didn't feel a chasm between my mom and me anymore. The best way to describe it was a week ago I would have never wanted my mom to be in the room when I gave birth. Now, however, I feel like I wouldn't mind at all if she was there. That is the effect of the bonding we had this weekend. That is the power of true service and love. 

My prayers and pleadings that this pregnancy go full term might not have been answered in the way I asked. But they were heard. If I hadn't lost this one, my mom wouldn't have come when I truly needed her the most. We needed to heal our relationship before I could move on to being a mother myself. So in the end, prayers are heard. 

*All of those extremely low feelings I was communicating to my mom over the phone through my sobs were valid at that moment, but they subsided and I became a bit more rational once I let my system work through the initial shock.