Tender Mercies

It is so joyful that my love for cooking runs deep. Deeper than an eating disorder of my past. For a while I was nervous about whether or not I truly loved to cook or if it stemmed from my need to control everything that I ate during my late teens and early twenties--for this is a common facet to eating disorders. But, much to my relief, I found this "cover page" to an old composition notebook I had made when I was 11, intended to fill with my favorite recipes. The date was September 10th, 2001, far before I went through my struggle with orthorexia.  So now I know I can say that I love cooking, for I proclaimed it in that simple notebook 15 years ago. I'm no Martha Stewart, but who cares? The joy that comes from making a successful batch of homemade tortillas after completely messing up a loaf of bread the day before from over-kneading is exactly what I need to keep trying the next day. I've had a lot of failures, but even more successes.  I remembe...

We don't always get the answer we want to a prayer we so desperately give.  But we always get the answer we needed in that moment... As an 18 year old teenager I wasn't the easiest to get along with, at least not with my parents. I attribute most of this to my naturally type-A personality exacerbated by my over-training at the ice rink and not eating enough. Ya, not eating enough and being tired physically is a sure way to mess up the emotional stability of any teenager, let alone any human being.  Over the course of 4 years living away at college and then 3 years up in Alaska with my husband, there really wasn't a time that I could (or took the time to) mend my relationship with my mom. For some reason I just needed to be independent and strong and do things my way, not allowing for proper communication with my mom over the short holidays when we were together for a brief moment. I didn't realize there was anything between us; I felt like we had a perfectly ...

...or so I thought. And you did too. Happy April Fools Day! I had been having baby dreams and feeling nauseous on and off during spring break, and I knew I would test immediately when I returned home from our road trip. The test was barely visible and I didn't believe it, so I said nothing to Marshall. That night I had a dream where the next pregnancy test I took was a solid double line. Well, two days after the first test, I got my obvious positive. I was so excited. Not knowing if it would be a good pregnancy or not, I tested again two days later and the line was darker, so I felt confident.  The past two pregnancies I miscarried at approximately 6 or 7 weeks both times, so I was pretty nervous about this one. What if it happened again? Would I be strong enough? Knowing that I needed extra strength and prayers, I asked roughly 40 of our family and closest friends to fast and pray with us on Easter Sunday. That Sunday I was on the top of the world. I felt so strong an...