How I am Coping After Miscarriage

Disclaimer: While this post is directed to my experience with a miscarriage, I feel like the principles can apply to any tough situation for anyone. 

The past 2.5 weeks have been surreal. From the elation of pregnancy achievement to the grief of miscarriage, I feel as though I have traveled the whole gamut of human emotion. My body has played a pretty intense symphony of hormonal changes in such a short period of time, so I suppose my random crying episodes during this time may have been validated. 

But how am I doing now, one week after losing the pregnancy? That's what this post is all about. If you're going through a trial that seems to be ripping your heart out, I am sure we can relate. Hopefully you can glean something out of what has helped me, to help you out as well. 

1. Acknowledge What You're Feeling. 

It was really important that I allowed myself to be sad and cry about losing the pregnancy. As much as I wanted to be "super woman" and move on quickly, the greater part of me needed to mourn the loss that I so badly had worked towards for 4 years. When friends and family said to me, "I am so sorry,"  I said "Thank you" instead of "Oh it's okay," like I used to do when others showed me sympathy. This is the main reason I wrote about the miscarriage the day it happened; I didn't want to live a lie. I had to be true to what I was feeling.  Acknowledging your own feelings is so empowering. 

2. Find a Support Team

I could not have pulled through without my support team, aka., my family and friends and God. The afternoon after I returned home from the ER, my sweet friend Adell, texted me to see if she could bring me dinner that evening.  Soon after that, we received a text from Marshall's sister asking if she could order us pizza for the next evening. Really? No one has ever brought me dinner before. My body was still cramping pretty badly and I was low on energy due to the fact that I hadn't slept the night before. Marshall was exhausted (though he would never admit to that) from making the ER run with me and preparing for finals, so having dinner brought over two nights in a row was manna from heaven.  Dozens of my friends sent texts and Facebook messages filled with sympathy, hope, love, and support. Knowing that I had friends who had been through the same thing was so therapeutic for me.  I also received flowers and handwritten cards in the mail. These all buoyed my spirits.   

 

While I was still in the ER, I had a strong impression to text my cousin who had gone through a similar, yet very different, miscarriage just a month earlier. We are less than 5 years apart, so it was therapeutic to be able to cry together and share our experiences. Family ties are so strong. 

On Monday, five days after the miscarriage, I received a text from a dear friend that read, "checking in pretty lady. Hope you're having a beautiful day!" The message came at the perfect time because I was still a little low in spirits from Mother's Day weekend. A good support team will keep you going even when it seems impossible. 

My support team would not be complete without my Heavenly Father. I have said countless prayers over the past week that have helped me put one foot in front of the other. Many times my prayers were answered in the form of my angelic friends who put their arms around me, cried with me, told me they loved me, and supported my feelings. Prayer is pretty amazing.  

3. Allow Yourself to Rest

I allowed myself to rest for two days while I was at my lowest, granted I had two days off from work which was super convenient.  Marshall had picked up 4 DVDs from the library for me to watch and that's what I did.

When I had to return to work on Friday, I asked Marshall to come with me (he had "stop day" at school so he had the time). I had enough energy to watch the kids, but I needed another adult with me mostly for the emotional support. I am so grateful he was able to come with me. 

Taking time away from work and the normal grind is important so that you have the energy to nourish your heart, mind, and body.  

4. Memorialize the Event 

Do you know why memorials are built? It's not so we can be sad and feel grief every time we look at them, but so that we can acknowledge what happened and allow ourselves to past the loss. This goes back to point #1 above. A friend of mine gave me such a great idea of how she memorialized her two miscarriages that I wanted to do something similar. 

After a few searches online, I found the necklace pictured below and would love to have something along these lines to help me memorialize my success and experience in my first pregnancy. After showing it to Marshall, I think we've decided to design and make our own. I can't wait until it's done.  

5. Lose Yourself in Service

It was no accident that I was called to be the secretary for the Topeka Stake Young Women organization for my church two days before my miscarriage. Having an assignment that is going to require a lot of my time in the next few months as we prepare and attend Girl's Camp in June and a 3-day Youth Conference trip out to Nauvoo in July is excellent for distracting me from my loss. Just three days after the miscarriage I went to a 5 hour training meeting for camp. It was extremely nourishing for me to be around lively and adorable 16 & 17 year old girls for a few hours instead of staying at home moping on the couch. 

This assignment is going to fill my weeks with planning meetings, prep work, and service to the young women of our church in Kansas. Service of any kind (e.g. community, home, church, volunteer) is wonderful at directing energy towards a good cause instead of feeding self-pity.  

This was taken just yesterday.
Watching this adorable 3-year-old is another way I give my time to others.

6. Be Patient

Yes, it is difficult to be patient when I want everything to be fixed right now.  But the Universe wasn't created in a day and overcoming a miscarriage isn't going to be resolved in a day either. It takes time. I was lucky to wake up five days later feeling like myself again. I didn't think I would recover so quickly, but I have to give the credit to my resting and of course my God, for a quick recovery. 

Life is challenging. I'm not pretending that this is going to be my biggest trial. I know there will be more down the road, but just as a tree gets stronger when the wind blows on it, I will become stronger when the winds of trials blow on me.

Thank you, my dear friends, for everything you are and do for me.

          Jenessa