Tender Mercies

An amazing thing happened after I gave birth to my first child: I was proud of my body, swollen belly and all. I expected I would still look pregnant after I had my baby and I was mighty nervous about how I would feel; what I didn't expect was the peace that came with my changed body. I remember changing into my "going-home" clothes as we were preparing to leave the hospital, and I didn't even try to suck in my belly or hide its bulge by wearing my husband's clothes. (Okay, technically I was wearing his pajama bottoms, but anyone who has had a baby knows how impossibly uncomfortable it is to wear formfitting pants 24 hours after delivery!) When Marshall and I went on a mini-date to the grocery store the following evening, I even joked about whether or not people around us were wondering how far along pregnant I was. I didn't care.  My body had sustained life for exactly 273 days.  My body had pushed out a beautiful, perfect little girl.  Why...

The look in the midwife's eyes gave me the strength I needed to push my baby out into the world. By this point I had been in labor for ~35 hours and I had lost nearly all of my energy and belief in myself. But her eyes.  I knew she believed in me, so I held onto that belief and I pushed harder than I thought possible. My beautiful baby was born after only 22 minutes of pushing.  "I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." I have always desired a natural birth. I hired a doula to help me through the process of labor and delivery and I kept myself healthy and active during pregnancy. I knew deep down that even after all of my preparation, there would still be things beyond my control and I knew I needed to be at peace with whatever the outcome. It wasn't until my due date of February 27th came and went that I finally felt peace inside regarding my labor and d...

I'll be the first to admit that I began "nesting" before I was in my 3rd trimester. I had no idea how much energy I would or wouldn't have when the 8th and 9th month rolled around, so I naturally had to get the big chores on my list accomplished while I still could. That's not to say I didn't ask for help from my husband, who lovingly crawled behind our apartment's washer and dryer to pull it out so that I could clean behind it (because we all know babies care if it is clean behind the washer and dryer). Amazing that he could fit, right? It really wasn't too difficult to get my 920 sq ft apartment "deep cleaned," but it always feels good, no matter the size of the house. Having no toddlers to run after or a job to go to each day has allowed me to entertain my love of cleaning and organizing and get all of my projects completed before baby. The only problem with me not being a procrastinator is that I completed my list 3 weeks b...

I saw this quote for the first time a week ago on my friend's fridge. When I see most quotes I think, "oh that's a nice one," and then go off and forget about it within a minute. Not this one. This quote really resonated with me and I couldn't get it off of my mind. I'm still thinking about it a week later.  Early on in my pregnancy my doctor told me that I "was at risk for preterm labor" because of my past history (i.e, a uterine septum that was resected). They scared me with these words because I was born nearly 6 weeks preterm and I didn't want to have to go through that for my own. I wondered if my body would be able to do this whole pregnancy thing, especially with my past three miscarriages.  Now, here I am, two days away from being 39 weeks and have had no sign of impending labor, nor do I desire to be induced. As I try and keep my mind and body occupied while I await my baby, I have been watching many of my friends post pict...

With my sister in town, I knew I needed to take the opportunity to have her be my photographer for my maternity shots. Unfortunately, the 50 degree weather of last week disappeared and we were back in the chill of winter. The weather man said it was going to be in the teens on the day we decided to take photos, as well as a chance of snow, but I wasn't going to hold my breath...the weather man is often wrong. Not today. It snowed all night and this morning we braved the 10 degree weather to take my maternity shots. Thank you, sis! I think they turned out great.

When I was a college student, I was given a syllabus at the start of every semester. It laid out exactly what I needed to do to earn an A: turn in all assignments on time, go to office hours, study, and email my professors when I had questions. Getting an A was pretty straight forward and though lots of work was required, I was able to obtain my goal. I've learned that pregnancy is not like this. There is no owner's manual (even though What to Expect When You're Expecting  can be a good resource, it's not perfectly tailored to the individual).  During this pregnancy, I have learned that no matter how well I eat, sleep, exercise, or do what my doctor advises, the pregnancy is still going to do what it wants to do. I need to surrender . Surrender to the way my baby girl has decided to grow, all while doing  my best to be my best, healthy self. This is not a "check-the-box" approach like getting good grades in college was.  When I began this pregnanc...

Everyone has a different path. A different way to accomplish a task than their neighbor, sister, brother, or spouse. Yet, we can all learn from each other and celebrate in everyone's "big wins."  When I lost my 3rd pregnancy in a row in April 2016, I knew I needed a plan. It had been 11 months of positive pregnancy tests, miscarriages, and grief. I'm not one to give up on my dreams. I always complete whatever I start, and I knew I hadn't given conception it's fair chance.  Sure, I had started taking prenatals a couple of years ago, improved my diet in 2013, and switched from over-exercising to healthy movement, all for the sake of improved fertility. But for me, it was time for my husband to get on board too. Conception is a team sport. You've got to have two healthy people to have the best chance at a healthy baby. It takes about 42-76 days for a sperm to mature and 90 days for  an egg, and many specialists suggest a 180 day pre-conception pla...

I was hanging out in our rental apartment in Salzburg, Austria with my sister when my dad walked out of his bedroom and announced that I was having a girl. I was only 11 weeks along at that point and while I was wishfully hoping for a girl, I was preparing myself for a boy. His strong conviction of the gender of our child without any hints from an ultrasound surprised me. My dad seems to always be right about things, so I secretly hoped he was right this time too. Today during my scan, my favorite sonographer announced that we were having a girl. Grandpa is always right. I never imagined our family starting with a baby boy. I don't know why, but a baby girl seems to fit just perfectly. Now I just have to keep calm and stay healthy for 19 more weeks.

I knelt beside my bed this past weekend, talking with my husband, when all of a sudden I felt a gentle "poke, poke" inside of me. Could it really be? I had been anticipating feeling the baby's first movements for the past week or so. I just knew it would be soon, but I didn't want to get my hopes up since many pregnancy websites say that first time moms may not feel movement until close to 25 weeks. I was 16 weeks and 4 days. Well, sure enough, the next day I felt some additional small waves of movement. It wasn't just gas or digestion, for when I listened to the heartbeat with my Doppler, I was able to associate the movement I heard from the speaker with the poking sensation.  I think I will enjoy these gentle proddings right now before they begin to be larger and more uncomfortable. As I approach the halfway mark of this pregnancy, I am filled with excitement and the ever deepening realization that I am actually pregnant and have a huge responsi...

I'm really not sure if I ever thought this day would come. The day that I made it past 13 weeks pregnant without losing the baby. #miracle.  I know I am not out of the woods yet, and honestly, when are we really? I am just trying to live every day with gratitude for the life inside of me, living with hope for the future.  Part of me wanted to wait until next week, when I was past 14 weeks and officially in the 2nd trimester, but I couldn't wait any longer. I've been getting a little thick in the middle, which is getting more difficult to hide, and I feel like I haven't been able to be completely honest with friends when they would ask, "how are you doing?" All I wanted to talk about was how nauseous I was or how nervous I felt. So now, the news is out, whether or not you already suspected something was up.  Seriously though, the 1st trimester is not for the faint of heart! There were many instances when I thought I would lose the baby, but dee...

We don't always get the answer we want to a prayer we so desperately give.  But we always get the answer we needed in that moment... As an 18 year old teenager I wasn't the easiest to get along with, at least not with my parents. I attribute most of this to my naturally type-A personality exacerbated by my over-training at the ice rink and not eating enough. Ya, not eating enough and being tired physically is a sure way to mess up the emotional stability of any teenager, let alone any human being.  Over the course of 4 years living away at college and then 3 years up in Alaska with my husband, there really wasn't a time that I could (or took the time to) mend my relationship with my mom. For some reason I just needed to be independent and strong and do things my way, not allowing for proper communication with my mom over the short holidays when we were together for a brief moment. I didn't realize there was anything between us; I felt like we had a perfectly ...

...or so I thought. And you did too. Happy April Fools Day! I had been having baby dreams and feeling nauseous on and off during spring break, and I knew I would test immediately when I returned home from our road trip. The test was barely visible and I didn't believe it, so I said nothing to Marshall. That night I had a dream where the next pregnancy test I took was a solid double line. Well, two days after the first test, I got my obvious positive. I was so excited. Not knowing if it would be a good pregnancy or not, I tested again two days later and the line was darker, so I felt confident.  The past two pregnancies I miscarried at approximately 6 or 7 weeks both times, so I was pretty nervous about this one. What if it happened again? Would I be strong enough? Knowing that I needed extra strength and prayers, I asked roughly 40 of our family and closest friends to fast and pray with us on Easter Sunday. That Sunday I was on the top of the world. I felt so strong an...