I'm Pregnant! .....

...or so I thought. And you did too. Happy April Fools Day!

I had been having baby dreams and feeling nauseous on and off during spring break, and I knew I would test immediately when I returned home from our road trip. The test was barely visible and I didn't believe it, so I said nothing to Marshall. That night I had a dream where the next pregnancy test I took was a solid double line. Well, two days after the first test, I got my obvious positive. I was so excited. Not knowing if it would be a good pregnancy or not, I tested again two days later and the line was darker, so I felt confident. 

The past two pregnancies I miscarried at approximately 6 or 7 weeks both times, so I was pretty nervous about this one. What if it happened again? Would I be strong enough? Knowing that I needed extra strength and prayers, I asked roughly 40 of our family and closest friends to fast and pray with us on Easter Sunday. That Sunday I was on the top of the world. I felt so strong and spiritually uplifted. I knew our prayers had been heard and I was grateful. 

Then I had a couple of nights during the week when I spotted once. Lots of pregnancies go on to be healthy with some spotting early on, so I kept my hope and faith up and kept trusting. I knew God knew that I want to have a baby so very badly, but the question was whether or not this would be the time. 

I went in for an ultrasound this morning so that we could verify my dates and make sure I was progressing as expected, since this is my 3rd pregnancy with losses in the previous two. Instead of seeing a yolk sac and heartbeat, all I saw was a tiny gestational sac---empty. The sonographer asked if my dates were off, but since I had been temping, I was pretty sure the picture didn't line up with what it should have been. I was devastated. My husband wasn't there with me, so lucky for the sonographer, I just started bawling. And not just a few tears; like entire body shaking crying. I even made her tear up. Way to go. 

I don't know why my body isn't allowing babies to grow. I don't know why when we ask for a good thing, God doesn't always give us what we want. This past year of 3 losses hasn't been easy for me. I haven't held as many of my friend's babies as might be expected from a girl my age. There are many tears, and there will still be tears. But I won't give up hope. Maybe today I am wondering why me and why not now, but I do know there is still a God and that He still cares about me. I don't know all the answers but I can still trust. I can still have hope, even if I don't know. 

Knowledge is related to the past because our experiences of the past are those things which give us knowledge, but faith is related to the future--to the unknown where we have not yet walked. -Howard W. Hunter. 

We were sent here to be tested to see if we want to be a part of the Kingdom of God more than we want anything else. -Sheri Dew