Last week was the happiest week of my life. As I looked down at the two solid pink lines on the test, my whole being filled with relief and joy. My dream had come true. I was finally going to be a mom! Everything seemed to have fallen in place for us. We excitedly told our parents and siblings and I told a few close friends, but it nearly killed me to not tell everyone. I'm not one for secrets.
It was an exciting week as we dreamed about our future family and researched various doctors, midwives, doulas, and birthing centers. I was feeling great. No nausea, just a little bit more tired than normal. Although I was only 6 weeks along, I already had a connection to the embryo inside of me.
It was only a week later that I started to spot and had a little bit of cramping. I hoped it was just a silly pregnancy scare, so I went to bed early hoping to sleep it off. But my heart was heavy and I think I already knew. I awoke at 11 PM in severe pain that came in waves, allowing me to drift off to a light sleep for about 20 minutes on and off for the rest of the night. At 5 AM I got up again to use the bathroom, but when I got in there, extreme dizziness and weakness overpowered me and so I hollered for my husband; luckily he heard me. When he got there, I passed out in his arms and he picked me up and laid me on the couch. About 5 minutes later we were on our way to the ER.
Losing a baby, be it at 6 weeks or 36 weeks is hard. It's really hard. I find myself apologizing to everyone, like it was my fault that this happened. But I know it's not. I had been doing everything I knew how to take care of my body and the baby, but in the end, it is Heavenly Father who is in charge.
I am so grateful for many things right now, even through all of the tears that stain my cheeks. The first one is the blessing Marshall gave me on Sunday, before all of this happened. I felt like I needed a blessing of peace that everything would be okay with this pregnancy. Well, maybe it didn't all end the way I thought it should, but I do feel at peace. I am heartbroken, yes, but ultimately it is not my decision what children I am to raise. That peace has been carrying me through the tears.
I really love this song as it reminds me who is in charge:
The second thing I am grateful for is my dear husband. He is the one who took me into the hospital, missed his morning classes right before finals, and stood by my side to caress my face and wipe away the tears. He is everything to me.
As hard as it is to say this, I am grateful I had this experience so that now I understand what others feel when they lose a child. It's the worst feeling I've ever had.
The fourth piece of gratitude I have is the opportunity I had to get pregnant. It was exactly 2 months after my cycle returned, after a 9 year hiatus, that we found out we were expecting. There was so much satisfaction to me that I had been doing the right things to bring back my cycle naturally. And then we got pregnant naturally. It truly was a miracle.
I pray that someday I will be able to meet my children. I know they are up there waiting to come down, but now was just not the right time. Thank you for everything you have all done for me. I could not do it without your love and support.
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| Post-hospital brunch. We deserved it. Man were we hungry!! |
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